middle of the night

2007-02-24T10:31:00.000+08:00

Today's topic is about blogs.

Today, like every saturday I'm imprisoned within the 4 walls of the src office. So decided to go blog surfing. Noticed that alot of good friends' blogs have been moved and encrypted.. Suddenly it seems like everybody is blogging alot of things they can't tell the rest of the world. The 3 letter word is a really scary thing...

there're also people who abuses the ability to remain annonymous when posting comments to post harsh messages. Nothing wrong with speaking your mind, but if you don't have the guts to take responsibility for what you say, then don't say it. Firstly it shows what a coward you are. 2ndly it shows that you yourself knows what you are saying is wrong. So don't just think that nobody knows who you are so you can speak without thinking.

2007-02-13T23:59:00.000+08:00

Recently realised the frequencty of my posts is directly proportionate to the frequency I work out. Got workout this few days so.. here goes.

My most hated festival of the year is arriving. Can't wait for it to be over. How many years has it been since I start resenting it? It's never going to be the same, not without her around. I'm just clinging to the past like a stubborn child refusing to let go. Please let it pass by painlessly..

Recently I have this habit of fantasizing how it would be like if i can turn back time. How I can undo the decisions I've regret making, prevent the disasters of the people i cared for, put everything right again, the way I want it. Bring her back. I wonder... if i wish hard enough, if i yearn it strongly enough... will it come true?

2007-01-04T07:17:00.000+08:00

it's 5.30am in the morning and I'm not sleeping. Might as well blog.

two things happened today that got me thinking.

You can hate someone and drive her out of your life. But when disaster strikes, and she calls out to u, the human in you simply forgives whatever she has done and do what you think is right. I've always thought myself as someone who is unforgiving. Some might even say I'm petty. Well, I guess I surprised even myself this time.

2nd thing. Saw a mirror image of myself tonight, the person I was 6 months ago. How pathetic a man can be when he laid down all his pride just for a woman, wallowing in self pity and denial. When you see it from a 3rd person's perspective, you are like "WTF, what a spineless fucking piece of shit I must have been back then." A dear friend once said to me, women can leave you, friends can disappoint you, but there's one thing that can never change and stays with you no matter what. Your career.

A man who does not keeps his pride is not a man at all

2007-01-01T20:14:00.000+08:00

ok a brand new year. Got to make new year's resolutions that i will try but in the end will still not accomplish. Here goes:

1. Got to get back in shape. Really missed that me 4 yrs ago who can bag that ippt gold

2. More business will come in and we can celebrate the 1st year anniversary of patchwork media with a bang.

3. find money for another backpacking trip. India or Japan, here I come!

4. work on at least one more video project before i graduate.

I remembered the same time last year I had to make a painful and life changing decision. Never thought I have to go thru something similar now. God or fate, whatever u are, your timing can never be better. I'm really getting too old and impatient for this kind of things. Just hope that if it doesn't work out, I won't be diving in too deep to be hurt again.

2006-12-26T23:29:00.000+08:00

something that happened a few days back and I wanted to blog about it but totally forgot.

Has it ever happened to you? someone walks past you and you smelled a scent that is really, really familiar. It's something so familiar that you are so sure that it meant something to you. That scent must have been part of an important event or belonged to an important person in your past. A whiff of that fragrance brings back warm and complex emotions, very familiar feelings. Like a ticket bringing you back to a certain point in your past. But somehow you just cannot remember, you just can't pinpoint where and when in your history that scent has brought you back to, or the persons or events this smell is associated with. And it just becomes really, really frustrating. Like you have lost something, a memory, that meant alot to you once, and you don't even know what it is.

I know I sound like I'm rambling nonsense here. It's just so hard to express that experience in words.

2006-12-20T21:48:00.000+08:00

1 hr before going back to shoot. tired and dirty and smelly. but what the hell, blog first then bathe ba.

two things happened recently makes me think of what i want to do with my life.

been editing this video of this farewell thingy for a vice president of a school. It was really touching and it just filled me with emotions whenever i edit it.
For the first time, I actually feel connected to my subject's life when I edit. It's like I'm taking a glimpse into a moment of his life through that small window of time, and I'm immortalising that moment for him so he can keep it in memory for the rest of his life.
Dunno how to describe that feeling. Just feel that for the first time i'm doing something very meaningful with my production skills.
I may not make a feature film ever in my life. I may not make a ground breaking documentary or a hit drama series. But if I can spend the rest of my life preserving such beautiful memories for people, I'm satisfied. My life has a meaning.

watched Happy Feet with C.J and Jerry sometime back. The show was great. The comedy is hilarious and the music is wonderful. But what really leaves an impression in me is the conservationist theme towards the end of the movie.

For me, I've always felt that we humans done so much harm to the other fellow animals in our planet. some animals spend their very short lives meaningless in a cramp cage just to be killed and eaten. They live to die. Some animals have thier homes destroyed. Stray cats and dogs are being put down or castrated simply because they "dirty our environment".
We live our lives absorbed in the advancement of our careers and the satisfaction of our material needs. We don't treat other animals as living beings. We simply treat them as comodities.

Happy Feet reminds people that we are not the only living things in this planet. The world does not revolve around us. We share our living space with other living beings and we shouldn't just ignore our neighbours just because we have the power to do so. I'm sure every person in that theatre that day and in all theatres worldwide, at that very moment, feels ashamed to be human. I know I do. It may or may not make a difference 10 years down the road. But to create such a film that has successfully make us stand on the penguin side for that short period of time, I only know how to express it in chinese: 功德无量，不枉此生。。。
Talked so much, now back to fyp shoot. I will survive.

2006-12-06T00:53:00.000+08:00

Did a favour to my very good friend Mr Koh Eng Beng on sat. I made cookies with him so that he can make his gf happy. Two grown men baking cookies at my place.. definitely not a common sight. We used those ready-made cookie mix of course. And while the cookies are in the oven we look at pics of chiobus from the china universities. One misconception of china girls cleared, the china girls in Singapore really does not represent the female community in China. Why do I even want to look for a singaporean gf when it's a much bigger world out there? And in a country where the men all cannot make it, singaporean men are hot stuff!

Dispite our constant distraction, the cookies turns out quite good. better than my last try some time back. Wanted to take more pictures but I just hate taking pics with my camera phone. Someone pls get me a DSLR. I'll be grateful for life.

2006-12-06T00:34:00.000+08:00

I've known this long ago. It has become something like a fact. I don't know how to handle people. What's worse, I don't know how to handle conflicts.

Since when I was really small, conflicts always ended with harsh words, shouting and eventually punches, in the case of the little me back then, it's always the prints of my father's hand on my face.

I've grown up to understand that confrontations are to be avoided, bearing in mind the consequences of getting into a fight. I let myself loose a little in the army, a world where u have to show u are not a pushover. But nevertheless, in a society like this, it's really not a good thing to get into any confrontation when you know you can't control your temper.

Just somehow I didn't manage to remember all this when I decided to confront my father on some things which are actually quite minor. Things escalated, harsh words exchanged,, shouting and screaming followed.

Sitting down and talking it out. Simple words, but it's an art I can never master.

2006-11-28T20:06:00.000+08:00

A funny thing about a person's memory is: you forget the things you want to remember and you remember the things you'll do anything to forget.

It's been almost 4 years since she has gone. I'm slowly forgeting how she looks like no matter how hard I tried not to forget. All the years of memories of being together, how I always find comfort in her arms, the smells of her cooking, the songs she sang to me to lull me to sleep, the days following her around at the market and china town. All these are slipping away from me no matter how hard I try to hold on.

On the other side, no matter how hard I try to forget her, her face always manage to force into my mind. Her voice, her scent, the touch of her hand. Everything she has ever touched, every place we have ever been together, simply forces all the suppressed thoughts and feelings back up. Alcohol helps to make it less painful. But is that the way it should be?

How do I forget? I can I not forget?

2006-11-28T19:50:00.000+08:00

Been checking out camera forums all week looking for a 2nd hand DSLR. Was influenced by Sameul who bought one with just over $600.

Really missed the days where I can take my boss's cameras and have a day shooting at botanic gardens or the zoo. It's my way of temporarily escaping from reality and getting away from it all.

spent days bargaining and bidding for good deals. Finally found a D70S with cf card and 50mm f1.9 lens and 2yrs warrenty for just $850. Backed out the last min. If I buy this now. I'll be absolutely broke. Can't find work during December due to fyp. will need savings to tide me through this. Sigh... Should have saved more when I had the chance...

2006-11-14T22:55:00.000+08:00

Something my dad told me when I was young popped up in my head recently:

君子之交淡如水。能交到知己好友，就要珍惜。但如果觉得这朋友不值得交，就不要拖泥带水，最终害了自己。

2006-11-09T00:27:00.000+08:00

got work to do. but brain dead at the moment. so give myself 10min break to blog.

Dunno whether anyone else has this experience. Have you ever have this song that is embedded in your head all your life? You don't know the name of the song, who sang it or even where you have heard it. You only know bits and pieces of the lyrics and the tune just pops into your head once in awhile, all your life.

I have been puzzled by this unknown song in my head ever since I was old enough to find it weird to have a song u dun even know where u heard it poping into your head time and again. But I didn't really make an effort to find out the name of the song cus I have nothing to work with at all. Finally a few days ago, i was in one of those pirated stores in Johor and that song is playing over the speakers. I finally decided to get to the bottom of this. I memorised a few lines of the lyrics and searched them over baidu. Finally mystery solved. It's a song by this old band called 太极. It's just so satisfying to finally solve something that has been bothering me for so many years. One mystry still remains though, I have never listened to this band before, and I still have no idea where I've heard this song from. Oh well, 知足者长乐。。

【演唱】:太极乐队
【专辑】:一伍壹拾(15周年新曲+精选)-1999

每一句说话
曲: 太极/周启生
词: 因葵
编: 太极

曾遇挫折失败
旁人不理我呼嗌
全因你某天舒我愁怀
我已深深了解
但你忘情将爱活埋
何解不理这心态
还请紧记车厢中拥吻
I Will Love You Till I Die
无缘无份怎可分解
痴心一片原是孽债
悠悠长夜记起每句说话
How I Love You My Darling
How I Miss You
宁愿永远失败
来填补对你的债
仍想起某天几段情怀
I Still Love You Till I Die

2006-11-02T17:50:00.000+08:00

So long never blog liao. Been busy, very busy. So busy that I couldn't meet one of my best and oldest friends before he flies off, that I have to keep pushing back a meeting with another best friend even though it was me who asked him for the favour. It just feels so bad to let down the people close to you.

Bad luck has been trailing behind me this past few weeks. Lost a pencil case I liked very much. I bought another one and lost it the very next day along with my ipod and a 1gb thumbdrive I just bought in a cab, most importantly I've lost my organiser which contains all the receipts to be reimbursed as well as all my schedules and contact information. Been investing alot of time and money on my corporate projects which have not paid up yet. Also have to work extra hard to come up with the money for FYP which is going to start production soon, which means I have to neglect my school work and FYP planning even further.

What's worse, I'm feeling that my fuel is running out again. The dangerous thought of putting everything aside and not think is slowly creeping in. This is definitely not the time to shut down. Been trying to take breaks every now and then to recharge and pace myself but it doesn't seem to be working. Just not my working style. Just hope that this low period will go away fast so i can work like there's no tomorrow again.

Been really frustrated with the new D9 camera i'm using lately. Trying to understand a new camera is like trying to understand a woman. You have to go thru so much trial and error to understand it: the controls, the features, the weight, how much light it needs to give a decent picture, the capabilities and minimum focal distance of the lens. And I just simply hate it when the picture turns out bad and I know I can do so much better. Why can the focus still go off when I check the focusing like 10 times throughout the interview? Why is it still overexposed when the zebras are telling me it's perfectly fine? Now I understand why some videographers simply refuse to use any camera other than their own. Or is it just my incompetence to adapt.

on a lighter note, moved in to my new hall and met my new roommate. A very nice and friendly guy. Kind of young though. Reminds me of how I was like years back. Simply love my hall. It's not just the location near the school, but the stray cats that roam about at night. Some of them are not afraid of humans at all. You can just pat and play with it and it will not run off. I would always put my hand near the ground and the cats would come over thinking I have food in my hands. Felt very guilty that I always disappoint them so I bought some cat food and carry it with me whenever I can. But strangely, I didn't see any cats whenever I have food with me. Then one magical moment last night I saw a cat while coming back from editing. Opening the packet of tuna, I got the cat eating it from my hands. Feeling? indescribeable. My laptop case and hands reek of tuna for quite awhile. It's worth it.

2006-10-11T21:40:00.000+08:00

Dunno whether it is simply fatigue and cannot think or is just my obsession to get the best shots, whenever I have a shot in mind I just dun care about anything else, and really stupid and sometimes dangerous things happen.

Wanted to do a top down shot of a netball player shooting the hoop today. I saw that shot once on a photograph the day before and just nice a photographer was doing the same shot from a ladder today. I was so eager to get on top of the ladder and shoot that I forgot the simple fact that I HAVE A PHOBIA OF HEIGHTS! It's only when i was halfway up that wobbly ladder when I suddenly remembered and I got SOOO SCARED. If anyone put his hand on my legs then he could definitely feel them trembling. I couldn't get all the way to the top and just had to make do with that height. Whenever the player makes the shot. I could swear that the ball can almost hit me and i feel I could just wobble, fall and die! All the time up there, my mind is just "oh my god! oh my god! OH MY GOD!!!!!!" I couldn't feel my body and I can feel I'm going to loosen my grip and my camera is going to drop! Luckily in the end nothing happened and I got down looking quite calm, but trembling like hell inside.

Later in the evening I wanted to shoot a rugger kicking the ball from the field. After doing a wide shot i wanted to do a real low angle closeup with the player and the ball in shot. So I put my camera on the grass about 50cm from the ball, knelt beside the camera and ask him to kick the ball. He gives me a wierd look and say " You want me to kick the ball over the camera?" Without thinking, and quite impatiently, I said " Yes Yes of course!"

So he took a few steps forward and kicked hard. Then I felt a gust of wind and mud and grass on the right side of my face. It never occured to me that his kicking leg will raise so high that it misses my head by bare centimetres. I was stunned, he was stunned. It was about 2 seconds before I managed to say, "oh my god...." Nevertheless it's still one of the best shots of that crappy shoot day.

I love my job.

2006-09-25T00:38:00.000+08:00

personnaly declared saturday as "heck care no work day" to unwind. But I still ended up having to draft emails and make calls. But still manage to find time at night to clean up my room and meet up with cj. simply love to kick his ass at dota.

Finally get to try out my "braised pork ribs in beer" recipe today. Although i put in a little too much fermented beans but overall, surprisingly, it quite ok. another item into my very short list of dishes i can make.

Dunno whether whether everyone has this experience or it's just me. When I was little, very little, I used to be really curious and think of stuff, like why the sky is blue and all that.

One particular thing I was really facinated was the fact that I can command my body to move. I know it sounds really stupid but when I look at my hand i see a fleshy object with 5 fingers. And when I want it to for example, chench into a fist, I dun even need to consciously think, it'll just clenches when i wanted to.

My tiny mind then just couldn't help but wonder. Why? when I want to move my hand, it moves? When I want to jump, I can jump? Of course when I gradually grow up I stop thinking about it and simply take it for granted. I understand now about how the mind commands the nerves to move the hand. But it still doesn't explain it all. It still doesn't explain how our brains exist and our nerves that commands our flesh exist. Trees can't do it, stones can't do it, but yet I can. The very fact that I can move, think, talk and feel is a miracle each on it's own. And the scary part is, our existance depends directly on our 5 senses. Without it, we don't even know we exist. We will be just another rock on the ground.

What brought me to recall that part of my childhood was a book by Paulo Coelho. Forgot the title. It was a collection of short stories and I was flipping through it while I was at kino. One particular story talks about how everyone is going about their daily routines in a zombie sort of way while he treated his every day as if it was his last. He lived his every day while most people were as good as dead even when they are alive. Sometimes we are just consumed by our everyday lives so much that we just forget the very fact that we can breathe is a miracle. No matter how much despair we felt, how sick of life we've become, we should always remember that a chance to live is a rare gift. It's something that we may never have again.

Don't know what I'm really writing about. Thoughts are too abstract to be expressed into words. I just hope that no matter what, I can still be facinated everyday, and appreciate the miracle of being able to clench my hand into a fist.

A new chapter

2006-09-16T02:07:00.000+08:00

Decided to start blogging after taking some blogging time off. I closed down my last blog because I found out I don't have anything happy to write about anymore. I still don't. But just feel like blogging again.

Bought a new pencil recently. A pencil is important to me as I love to write with a pencil whenever I can. I like the feel of graphite rubbing across the grain of the paper as I write. Also makes me feel secure as I can always rub away whenever I make a mistake.

If life is a book and we record what our every moment into it, wouldn't it be great if we can write our life story with a pencil? Everytime we make a wrong decision, have a bad experience, did something we regret, we can just rub it off and start from where we left off. But unfortunately, not only we can't use a pencil, we are forced to use a ink that can never be removed no matter how hard we try. What is written will always leave a mark. It'll be part of your story whether you like it or not.

Everybody has their own book, their own unique story to tell. But we always have the tendency to think that our own story is the most dramatic, everyone else's are just not as exciting. We drown in all the ups and downs (downs especially) of our own story, thinking that the stories around us are just less significant. We don't admit it, but at some level we all do.

There are also many ways in which we let others read our book. Some like to open it wide for all to see, reading everything out loud to the world. Some kept it closed and locked. Nobody gets to see it except me. Some has two versions of the same book. One to show the world, one for my eyes only. For me, which is the case for most people, I have only 1 version, but everyone gets to read certain chapters of my book, some have access to more, some to less. Some have access to special sections. Only 1 has ever read the whole book, someone I should never have allowed.

Sometimes when we have made too much mistakes, we may have the urge to burn the whole book. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. And hope to start from page 1 again. But no matter what people believe and what religion says, there's no assurance that you can get a new book. And fortunately it's that fear of the unknown, that we may never get to write again that stops us from doing it.

What has been written cannot be erased, no matter how much u wished and wished. I am the one who wrote it, I only have myself to blame. Although what you have written affects what you are going to write, you have no choice but to just accept that it's never going to go away. Time to close that chapter, lock it away, and start a new one.

2006-09-14T21:44:00.000+08:00

new blog new start